Apparentely the above is a well known Irish saying which first drew my attention when reading one of Frank Mccourt’s books(gritty and very moving by the way). It basically means you are close to tears. At the moment I seem to find myself close to tears a lot. And not in the usual womanly hormonal way either in case you were wondering!

My life and indeed our family life is going through a period of turmoil, something I have already alluded to and nothing that can be elaborated upon in a public forum. Suffice to say we have had the rug pulled out from under us in quite a major way.

This morning I waved my Mother off on her coach home and was proud of myself for once for keeping the tears in check, until the bus disappeared around the corner. Thankfully hubby was there to mop up the tears with coffee and cake. It feels slightly ridiculous to tell you this, I’m 42, not a child, with 4 children of my own. But it gets to me, I don’t want people to realise I feel like this and I don’t know why. Is it the British attitude, the keep a stiff upper lip and don’t look over your newspaper at people on the tube one? I don’t know.

All I know is I’m finding it hard to keep it together at the moment. And anyone enquiring how things are at home are likely to be met with either a choked sob or a look of indifference.

The only comfort as I’m sure any qualified Psychologist would tell you is that tears can be healing. And sometimes our heart and souls are too full to hold the pain.  There is comfort in posting this into the ether, I know some friends will probably see it but really I’m writing this for myself to try and make sense of some things.

God has promised  that he has ” collected all my tears in his bottle” (Psalm 56:8). He is not a stranger to pain or deep sadness and He is not a high priest who is unable to feel our infirmities. Because He loves and feels deeply so do we because we are made in His image.

It is not easy but it is not a weak thing to allow yourself to feel sad. I feel I lived many years on a neutral path feeling very little. So whilst I won’t be openly crying in a corner with wads of tissues in my hands I may allow things to get to me a little.

In fact I feel a little better for having shared. I am blessed, I have a few shoulders I can cry on. But above all I am blessed because I know Jesus, who couldn’t love me more and will never love me less (Michael Card).

Till next time

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