Confession time. … The latter part of this afternoon I have been in a bad mood, rating around a 7 on the mood stinkometer. Not so bad-tempered jail time was imminent nor so peaceable flowers were blooming in my shadow. The day started off well enough, met some good friends for coffee. Spent some time with hubby pottering around town with no fixed agenda which was lovely too.
Outwardly, I suppose, most of the time I give off a fairly good impression of controlling myself and my feelings. I find that easy with people who don’t really know me, sadly a few trusted friends will know I do lose my temper, I do snap unnecessarily, I do get things out of proportion and my biggest bug bear and frustration with myself, over thinking things. Even I get bored with how much I over think things sometimes and have to tell myself firmly “Stop it” “think about something else!”.
Whether my bad mood was down to Coffee withdrawal ( I had 3 shots this morning), hormones(usually a factor somewhere), the weather(it’s grey and miserable here) or a combination , I couldn’t tell you.
All I know is I lost my temper,made a scene and now feel ashamed.
It’s been said that we always hurt the ones we love. In my life that would be God, my family and my friends. This particular time it was my eldest daughter who took the speeding bullet(not literally). The Bible speaks of the difficulty of taming the tongue. “Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles” (James 3).
What had my daughter done to gain my displeasure? Very little really. I was annoyed because we went to pick them up from school tonight and they weren’t there. It had only been a loose arrangement. Then she had drawn on her hand(pet hate), then thoughtlessly left her brother standing out in the cold, not that he was bothered.
Tiny things in the scheme of things. I am so blessed. She is not a typical teenager. We have a lovely relationship, we like a lot of the same things. We talk. We are good friends and I’m so glad. I know she knows I love her. It was hard to humble myself and apologise but it was necessary. As a parent, to teach her, eventually, how to behave and as her friend. I don’t like conflict with anybody.
Sometimes I beat myself up mentally over the way I have treated my kids. I examine my words and my harsh retorts. I often go to bed weepy because I’ve got it wrong again. This time I may give myself a break. Since a huge disruption to our life in June, apart from some teary times, I’ve managed to keep my emotions pretty in check. It would be understandable if they erupted occasionally. Not excusing my behaviour, I’m glad that when God instructs us over forgiveness he says to forgive” up to Seventy times seven”(Matt18;21). This is not meant to suggest a particular number, simply to say forgiveness should be an ongoing thing. In some circumstances that must be an almost impossible thing. But it is still an instruction, and is what God did for us when Jesus was crucified and all our wrongdoings were laid on HIm.
For those wondering, things with my eldest are ok. She’s sitting here beside me as I type this, having asked her permission first!
Till next time.