Just recently, I have found myself thinking about my brother a lot. Nothing unusual in that you might think but what makes it unusual is that we have never met. I am not talking about the brother who was brought up alongside me but a brother who was born 7 years before I was and placed into adoption.

There is no need and indeed it would be unkind to go into the circumstances behind the adoption, suffice it to say my Mother was born into a very strict family which meant she was unable to keep him. He was adopted through a church organisation and I know very little about him or where he was placed. I have always known I had an older brother, my Mother never kept it from us nor the reasons she had to give him up. I say had to because that’s how it was then. She was not given the option of keeping him.

Now I am a mother I try to imagine how it would be to be separated from  my children through some event. I can’t even begin to comprehend it. I love my children so much, I know one day they will grow and leave the nest and I will have no choice but until then I treasure our time together. How must it have felt for my mother to never hold her baby, to never dry his tears, to never hear his laughter?

He would now be 49. Perhaps he is married with children of his own. I hope he has had a happy life. I pray his adoptive parents were kind to him and loved him the way they should have. I wonder if we were to pass in the street if there would be some kind of sixth sense that would make us known to each other?

He has never tried to initiate contact. I did once start the ball rolling to try to trace him but we moved and lost the paperwork, what little there was. You hear all kinds of horror stories about people meeting their biological mothers or children and it going horribly wrong and people regretting they ever began the process.

I do sometimes feel part of me is missing but I don’t know if that’s him or something more. I am of the view that if he is happy with his life and feels no inclination to know us, perhaps it is kinder to let him be.

I know though I will always wonder whether there are any similarities between us or the paths we have taken. Whereever you are Christopher(that was her name for you) please know you were and are loved.

Till next time.


2 thoughts on “What if? (For Christopher)

  1. “My ‘first connection’ with a biological relative was a serendipitous encounter with an exceptionally lovely, intelligent, feminine girl named Cindy. There was something familiar about her. She was exotic, but intuitively familiar. Our actions and facial expressions were the same, but opposite, like two mimes facing a mirror. We stared into each others eyes. Realizing the connection, we extended our arms and hugged for the first time. I finally discovered what I had been looking for—my roots. I was overwhelmed by the emotional intensity of the embryonic reunion experience.” —Judith Land, author & adoptee

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