Forgive me if I’ve used this quotation before. Jim Elliot once said “Wherever you are, be all there”, meaning live in your present moment. Don’t look back to the past or look ahead to the future. This present moment is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present. Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with his sentiments I find this particular task hard to do. I seem to spend vast amounts of time looking back in regret and even more amounts of time worrying over the future.
It is out of my control. If I could fix it I would. I don’t like not being able to solve things for myself. I find myself in a slightly reflective sad wistful mood at the moment, partly because another milestone in our family troubles is coming up soon and partly because life is racing ahead at a too swift pace. I’m not ready for it. I want to stop the boat and get off and walk on the sea-shore for a while and catch my breath.
Tomorrow is my eldest daughter’s 15th Birthday. I am so proud of her. She is a beautiful, intelligent, kind, considerate girl. She is one of my best friends also. So I celebrate with her and I thank God he blessed our family with her. But it would also be true to say I feel a pang of longing for her babyhood. I miss holding her in my arms and soothing her. I wish I could go back to all her firsts and pay greater attention to them. I wish I had known how lucky I was.
You see, when your babies are first-born you cannot wait for them to speak and communicate with you but as they grow older and interact with you you almost take it for granted.
I suppose I am partly sad because our family is complete. I feel so blessed to have been given 4 healthy children when some women struggle to have one child. Yet I don’t feel ready to say that part of my life is finished and to move on. For various reasons we are extremely unlikely to have any more children but I can’t seem to say that to my arms and heart that ache to hold another little one.
Sorry, this is very maudlin.
I know there will be lots of other special times with my daughter to share. I am looking forwards to those moments too. Perhaps it’s a reminder that as she ages so do I. I cannot believe how quickly those 15 years have gone. It feels as if I’ve just shut my eyes for a second and they’ve passed by.
I pray to be able to be present in these precious moments. To take mental snapshots. To understand the closing of one chapter is not the end. I truly thank God for the blessing of my children and my husband. My life would be infinitely poorer without them.
Let me encourage you to be present in your moments. Don’t wish your life away. Don’t grieve because things are over, be glad because they happened. The bible says ” our days on Earth are like grass; like wildflowers we bloom” (Ps103:15).
Spend your days and moments wisely.
Till next time.