There is one relationship in my life that is a constant source of vexation to me. It’s been that way pretty much my whole life. It’s the relationship between my Father and me.
I may have already said that he left my Mother when I was 5. I still remember the argument they had that day but of course I was too young to know what was going on. I remember him leaving though and I remember asking my Mother for several days after where he was until I must have adjusted to the new status quo.
In fairness to her she never stopped me seeing him although it must have been painful for her.
Since then my relationship with him has been intermittent at best with several periods of no contact between us. He is and has been an absent Father.
When I was younger and had visits with him occasionally I was afraid of him. I felt his disapproval of who I was becoming. Our relationship was strained and difficult for both of us.
Thinking about it now the blame has not all been on his side. I have not really played the dutiful daughter either. He came to my wedding but he did not give me away. I asked my brother to.
I read in a book once that when a parental relationship is broken at a young age whether by death or divorce the child left behind is still left at that emotional age that the separation occurs. And that is how I feel when it comes to him. I feel lost as to know how to relate to him. I feel stuck at the age of 5. I can’t forget the years of birthday cards not arriving and my Daddy being away.
When he was married to his 3rd wife, who in my opinion only married him for his money, he tried to give me the marital advice of having regular date time with my husband. A fine sentiment and one we do go by but it felt a bit rich coming from someone on his 3rd marriage!!
I think the sad thing is I don’t need him any more. I don’t need him to be my Dad and I don’t know what else to do with him so we are stuck in a kind of no mans land.
I suppose I feel more anxious about our relationship or lack of it at Christmas because it is supposed to be a time when family gather together. I have bowed to pressure before and invited him to stay but he lives abroad so was unable to come. It’s horrible to say it was a relief in a way because he thinks my religion is a phase, we have nothing in common and one of the last times we spoke he basically told me he only married my Mother because he thought she was pregnant.
It’s still very sad to think of him alone on Christmas Day though.
This post was inspired by the Daily Prompt.