For those of you who read my blog regularly I must come across as a bit of a whiner. The honest truth is I do get frustrated with myself and I do ask a lot of myself. Only because I am conscious that I am in my 40’s, time is marching on and there are aspects of my life and personality and soul that could really use some work. Some rough edges that could do with sanding smooth.
I have already indicated that I hate being a procrastinator and today’s topic that links to that is the fact that I am also a saboteur. I sabotage myself all the time, in every area of my life. I am not aware that this is always a conscious thing but it is as if there is part of me that doesn’t feel I deserve to be happy. So it’s safer to stick with the self-fulfilling prophecy of failure again.
Why is it so easy to be frustrated by other’s behaviour but not my own?
Over the course of the Summer months I lost , quite easily, almost 2 stone in weight. We were living a fairly healthy lifestyle and getting in lots of exercise. Come the Winter and the nights drawing in and my husband losing his job its been all change. I’m the sort of person who needs to do something regularly otherwise I lose interest. Consequently the weight is creeping on again and I’m feeling awful again about how I look. I apologise, I realise it’s shallow but I want to get this weight issue sorted once and for all.
9 weeks ago I said I needed to stop snacking and pick up the exercise again but apart from a few half-hearted attempts I’ve done nothing about it. Wednesday it is Christmas Day and that will be another special occasion wearing something that fits but not something I am happy with.
There is no big scientific formula to losing weight. I simply need to expend more energy than I’m taking in so why can’t I do it for a fixed period of time? It’s not as if it’s all new to me. I know I’m like this and every time I want to achieve a goal I say it will be different but 9 times out of 10 it isn’t.
I’m so cross with myself and I know its silly. There are far more important things to worry over. But it matters to me and therefore I must sort it out. Not because it will be a magical formula that rights everything. I know that isn’t the case. I’ve been most sizes from a size 10 to a size 22. I still had worries. I still had heartache. There were still boys I liked who didn’t like me. Nothing was necessarily easier.
I must have been on a diet for almost the whole of my married life. It sickens me and now I have 3 girls who live in my household who I want to give a right body image to. It’s hard. You tell yourself for so many years that you are one thing that it becomes the truth about you. How can you ever change your own mind? How can you ever learn to love yourself for who you are? Human nature is notoriously fickle so I know I’m not alone in this struggle with my motivations. Even Paul says in the bible “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want , but I do the very thing I hate” (Rom7:15). We are like dual personalities, always at war with ourselves.
I believe that I’m not alone in this fight. I have a loving God who surrounds me and understands me and who loves me unconditionally.
With His help and love it’s time to grow up and start being disciplined in all areas of my life not just my weight control. I’ve been blogging now for roughly 3 months. It’s only a little time but I am proud of myself for sticking with it. It gives me hope that I can stick with other things too.
Till next time.