This morning at church we were thinking about those “Sliding Doors” moments. Those times we could have taken a different turn or walked a different path. Those ‘What if?’ moments.
I have moments like those where I wonder what my life would be like if I’d made different choices. I think we all do, if we are honest with ourselves.
Some of these ‘What ifs’ deal with my regrets.
What if my parents hadn’t divorced and I had grown up with 2 parents?
What if I’d gone to college after school like I planned to and trained in a profession?
And even more shallowly, what if I’d looked after my body and never got fat?
These regrets are like badges that we wear or scars that are emblazoned across our faces. They are the imperceptible outward signs of the consequences we bear due to the decisions and choices we made. Even the time we wasted. In fact, I don’t so much regret some of the choices but the time I wasted on those choices.
The hours I spent crying over boys, one boy in particular, who saw me as part of the furniture and I spent years feeling less because of it. That I was lacking. Lacking in beauty and fun and the perfect figure. But our lives were not meant to be intertwined. He was not for me therefore he didn’t see in me what my husband does.
Before you bring me to book for digressing and feeling sorry for myself the truth is we all feel like that about people and events in our lives, but such thinking is futile. We cannot change our past, we can only forget it, gloss over it, regret it or make peace with it.
There are also moments in my life when I have made choices I am ashamed of. I have been utterly surprised at some of the things I have done and the choices I have made. Things I thought I would never do. Things I now find abhorrent.
Th fact of the matter is I made the choices I did and they led me to where I am. Yes there were jobs I could have taken that would have provided me with a more monied and traveled route. They wouldn’t necessarily have made me happier though.
I love my life. My family, my Husband, my children, my friends. I would not be without them. I also bear the knowledge that I do not travel my path alone. God in His love and infinite wisdom travels with me, ensuring that though at times I may be lonely I am never alone. He guides my life, wether through providence or other more direct means.
So whilst I carry regret, my past decisions and sliding doors moments led to where I am now. I do however this year want to examine my life, look at my wrong choices and try to learn from them.
Have compassion on yourself. Dont get caught up in the endless cycle of regret. It is a bottomless pit of whys that eventually tears you apart. Try to find the balance between acknowledging your past but not letting it shape your future too heavily.
Till next time.