Good Morning/afternoon/evening – Please delete as appropriate for your timezone. Here is your alternative weather forecast as sponsored by I-Drought.

In your locality today there will be a high risk of precipitation followed with an escalated chance of sunny, cloudy spells leading to a jet stream of stormy tropical weather blowing in from the Mediterranean.

Those office workers enclosed in grey, windowless cubicles can ascertain the weather in the following ways;- Examine your smoker colleagues coming back from their unscheduled  cigarette breaks. If they return with hair plastered to their foreheads, sodden clothes and glasses and a disinclination to work for the rest of the day it is safe to assume it is raining.

However if they finally reappear smiling and laughing as they discuss last night’s footy results and make plans for weekend bbq’s with sleeves rolled up and glowing faces you know you are quite within your rights to hit them…. Um No scratch that…  that means it is sunny outside.

This truth can be further verified by the realisation you’ve been manning the office alone for several hours, a fact that is well worth bringing to your boss’s attention, once he returns from his business lunch.

The weather for parents running out of the house at quarter to 9 for the morning school run will start off mild until you are halfway to your destination where you will realise that your child is wearing mismatched shoes and you have no umbrella or hood on your coat. You will then be caught in an unexpected deluge of torrential rain which will bring puddles your child will delight and wallow in. This will ensure a further soaking for you along with that parent up at the school who for some reason you have taken a dislike to, driving through an Amazonian size puddle thus drenching you so thoroughly you will have to dry off at the local coffee shop on your way home. Score 10 points for you!

The weather for drivers will by and large be dry and comfortable notwithstanding that leaky window in the back you’ve been meaning to getting around to repairing after the handle broke off while you were attempting to restrain Houdini the child in the booster seat. (Please don’t actually call your child that).

The weather for cyclists will invariably show they have donned inappropriate apparel, not in the leagues of Linford Christie Lunchbox style inappropriate, merely if the weather should be sunny they will be head to toe in sweltering lycra. If the weather should be rainy they will reach into their pannier bag for their cagoule upon which they will have the realisation they’ve not seen hide nor hair of it since Gail, the guide leader from next door borrowed it.

The weather for joggers will be ….. Why?

The weather for sailors will be squally and wet.

Train passengers who have managed to avoid the commuter nightmare of nose in stranger armpit syndrome will be shunted off into a siding, ostensibly to allow another train to pass, but in reality to sit there inexplicably whilst everyone takes refuge behind their papers.

If this scenario doesn’t occur the weather will inevitably impede their progress with that old favourite in this modern technology  day and age…. Leaves on the line.

This has been your alternative weather forecast for today.

NB I-Drought not be confused with I-Tunes, of which there is no relation.

Any complaints about this alternative forecast may be addressed in the first instance to Mr.No1 Cares, Weatherall, Doubtfordshire.


3 thoughts on “The Alternative Weather Forecast.

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