When I left you. (For my children)

When I left you when you were young I didn’t take much with me, a carrier bag with a few possessions. I’d gone to leave a couple of times before but never made it past the next Street.

This time though it was different. I boarded a bus and went as far as I could for as much money as I could.  And leaving you broke my heart. As your mother I wanted to give you my best and at the time I thought that was my best. 

I wasn’t coping.  I wasn’t sleeping.  I was afraid of everything.  Life stretched out before me,  a vast nothingness of nothing to look forward to. 

I never intended to take my life.  I would never do that to you.  I just wanted to get my head together.

I ended up in a sea side town and I wandered the promenade looking for a place to stay.  I paid for a room in a b &b for a couple of nights.  I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I phoned your Dad. It was bedtime and I wanted to pass on a good night wish.  He was angry with me and said I’d lost that right when I walked out on you.

I’ve learned since then these things come in cycles.  My Mother walked out on us as kids.  I did the same to you.  It grieves me now.  It was never about not caring or loving you enough. I thought it was better for you to be with a stable parent.  I thought it was for your best.

Now I know it was selfish and you can’t run away from your problems.

You know how it ended.  I came home that night and we took it a day at a time.  Sometimes an hour or half an hour at a time and gradually light shone through the tunnel.

I want you to know how much I love you.  You have always been the very heart of me,  my reason for being and I would never want to change that.

I’m sorry,  so sorry I left you but I’m so glad I came home.

I love you guys always.

Love Mum xxxx

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2 thoughts on “When I left you. (For my children)

  1. Aww hun, massive hugs. The most important thing is that you came back and you have proved what an amazing mammy you are. Very brave for sharing this too. Well done for being amazing xx

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