When I left you when you were young I didn’t take much with me, a carrier bag with a few possessions. I’d gone to leave a couple of times before but never made it past the next Street.
This time though it was different. I boarded a bus and went as far as I could for as much money as I could. And leaving you broke my heart. As your mother I wanted to give you my best and at the time I thought that was my best.
I wasn’t coping. I wasn’t sleeping. I was afraid of everything. Life stretched out before me, a vast nothingness of nothing to look forward to.
I never intended to take my life. I would never do that to you. I just wanted to get my head together.
I ended up in a sea side town and I wandered the promenade looking for a place to stay. I paid for a room in a b &b for a couple of nights. I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I phoned your Dad. It was bedtime and I wanted to pass on a good night wish. He was angry with me and said I’d lost that right when I walked out on you.
I’ve learned since then these things come in cycles. My Mother walked out on us as kids. I did the same to you. It grieves me now. It was never about not caring or loving you enough. I thought it was better for you to be with a stable parent. I thought it was for your best.
Now I know it was selfish and you can’t run away from your problems.
You know how it ended. I came home that night and we took it a day at a time. Sometimes an hour or half an hour at a time and gradually light shone through the tunnel.
I want you to know how much I love you. You have always been the very heart of me, my reason for being and I would never want to change that.
I’m sorry, so sorry I left you but I’m so glad I came home.
I love you guys always.
Love Mum xxxx