I have a special friend who has known me for 30 years who is the only one who can consistently read my face.  Sadly she lives overseas now so I don’t get to see her much but she has always been able to take one look at me and know what’s going on in my head. Especially when I am sad. 
Due to external forces beyond my control I find myself often saddened and grieved at the moment but it is not anything I find easy to share. Indeed some things are better kept to your own counsel.
Similar to the song “I’ll do my crying in the rain” I have 2 approaches to this melancholy.  The first is to smile and put a brave face on it.  I find it remarkably easy to laugh and goof  around whilst feeling heartbroken inside. It isn’t because I don’t have people who care about me I could talk to.  It’s more to do with self preservation and timing. 

My second response is to shut down and internalise my feelings.  This usually occurs when I’m wanting to cry but it isn’t appropriate so I withdraw into quietude instead.  This again is a self preservation tactic. It’s one I’ve found works well because the last time I was tempted to break it and divulge my feelings the person I was speaking to wanted to tell me all about how awful they were feeling.

But really isn’t that the nature of humans?  We are all mostly inherently selfish and care more about our own feelings!

I have realised as I’ve got older though that feelings can be deceptive and are often affected by outside forces and triggers. 

For example if I watch the rain falling outside my window whilst listening to romantic music or love songs I am more prone to feeling sad even though I may be perfectly ok.

It’s a very useful thing to know yourself,  not in a contemplating your navel kind of way,  more a “is this emotion I’m feeling actually real or is it due to x, y or z?

Life hey?  Who’d have it?  Sure beats the alternative though.:-)



4 thoughts on “Masking my emotions.

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