I’m feeling particularly sad at the moment watching a good friend going through a divorce.
I was 5 when my parents parted. It would be true to say I remember very little of their time together. It has coloured every area of my life though. I find it difficult to trust male figures in my life. My head knows that’s not rational but my heart is slower to catch on. I am fortunate though that I don’t recall the fall out, the accusations of adultery, the recriminations, the custody hearings. They have all passed into the ether like so many of our childhood experiences.
For me my Father simply wasn’t. A non thing pretty much. A non person. Absent. A fact of life I accepted and didn’t question as a child. It was how it was.
It has coloured my vision of marriage. Christian marriages are meant to be forever but my view of that is “forever got shorter all of a sudden” and don’t take things for granted. I’m just not convinced some couples are meant to be together.
Yes my Mother struggled financially. Yes she was grieved and heartbroken for a while but she was free. Free to be her own person, unlike when she was married to my Dad. Having said all that I do believe that God can heal broken marriages so well that there is no sign of the cracks in the first place but that is dependent on both parties being desirous of that result.
So. Back to my friend. I feel for her. Even though there has been no love in that marriage for many years it must still be a big adjustment suddenly being a single parent. Her children are much older than I was and sadly aware of everything that is going on between their parents. They are party to and witnesses of every cross word, every unkind solicitors letter, every hurt and recrimination.
It is heartbreaking.
I don’t have a perfect marriage. I get things wrong often, say wrong things, do mean things, put myself first instead of others. All of marriage is an adjustment and goes through different seasons. There are times when the love that brought you together may seem to be deeply hidden or no longer there.
I wish I could say I had the answers. I don’t. What I would say is divorce is not only between parents. Children suffer the fallout, the perhaps forgotten birthdays, the lack of contact, the feelings of blame, the if onlys.
How much could be saved if we took a step back, took a deep breath and started over?
I’m not talking about unwise marriages or forced or violent marriages. They are governed by different laws.
Maybe it’s not a bad thing to recall what brought you together with someone in the first place. It’s easy to give up. You just stop talking and do nothing. You convince yourselves the kids will be ok, that it’s better for them to be with happy as opposed to rowing parents but you cannot turn the clock back and once you go down that route you can’t undo it.
It IS possible to rear happy children after the trauma of divorce and I applaud my friends who have done so but in my opinion only when God and forgiveness are included in that equation.
Please remember this is my blog and my views. I am not meaning to cause any offence and I am not an authority on the subject although I was once a child in such a situation.
You must judge for yourself any truth herein.