At the moment if I’m honest I’m pretty heartbroken about an ongoing family situation. It’s been going on for 2 years and looked to be coming to completion, only to be delayed again.
For the last 2 years I have found it mentally exhausting, especially in Christian circles, where we’re assumed to be whole because of Jesus, to be up all the time. By that I mean exuberant, happy, switched on.
I feel incredibly selfish writing this because I’m not the one under pressure but I can only write as it affects me.
I am so tired of putting on a happy face and pretending all is ok. Even of hoping any longer.
So I have taken to wearing a mask in public. This means I want to come across as if everything is fine. I’m a mature adult, I can handle responsibility, I can do grown up things. And most of the time, that is true. I am able to compartmentalise and squash those feelings down, because now is not about me and I’m fully aware of that.
So, to the crux of this post. I’ve just come back from a wonderful youth weekend away. I truly felt privileged to be part of it and to see the kids having fun and spiritual input.
I also had a lot of things to laugh about this weekend and I’m grateful for that too.
But what us mask wearers want you to know is how exhausting the upkeep is sometimes.
Friends might feel we’re standoff ish and cold when we’re simply exhausted from so much social interaction. They may not know we’ve spent 5 mins talking to ourselves in the bathroom mirror and sometimes even weeping, psyching ourselves up to go out and play the part again. Sometimes I am bitter about life and things going on. I am twisted by my past and family background. I know I have a very selfish response to things. Often my thoughts are how does that affect me? I realise that is irrational and immature and I’m working on that.
I know I’m not alone in these feelings. Others too are doing their best to hold on, to cling to the top of the mountain by the tips of their fingers.
We know Jesus loves us, that he’s there for us, even that we have friends who care for us.
But it’s an awfully lonely thing when you’re an introvert who lives mainly in the dark places of their head.
So…. If this is disappointing to read I am sorry to disappoint but true love and friendship is being honest with each other, even if only via the safety of the Internet screen.

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